I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I understand Curling. That high.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
