Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
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