matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Randomize
