i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
