You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
