I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I'm always down for nudity.
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