i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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