I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Boobs speak an international language.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
