i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
