The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
