Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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