I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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