: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize