My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
