Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
