My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
