Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
