he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
