I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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