Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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