I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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