i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize