Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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