where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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