if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
