just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
