i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
