Some one left their pants in the elevator.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
