it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
