I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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