When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I love how my cats smell like pot.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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