It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
