he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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