That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
