why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
