Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
do herpes really smell.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
