I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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