wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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