I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
