I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I don't deserve a penis
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize