HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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