Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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