remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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