So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
