it's too hot outside to masturbate.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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