I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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