You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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