when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
