I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
