I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
How's work?
Spinning.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
