wanna go halves on a baby?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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