I'm eating all of the evidence.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
