shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I will pee on everything he values.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Randomize
