I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
