Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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