I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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