i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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