So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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