Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Randomize
