i jhust puked up my retainher.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Randomize
