we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
