One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Reggie can tackle my bush.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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