just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
