so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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