11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
someone threw a dead crab at me
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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