I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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